A Love Lost

We lost our little Zoe to parvo yesterday.  It was the third day since she had come down with the signs.  We did everything we were supposed to do, everything the right way, but she still caught it somehow and her little body just couldn't fight it.  I still feel incredibly guilty and keep thinking maybe if I had done something different she could have made it, or never even contracted it in the first place. 

It's hard to even relay what this little dog meant to us - mostly me.  She had been with us for only a few months, but it felt like she had always been with us.  She was such a big part of our family - of our love.  For still being a pup, she knew each of us so well and whether we wanted play, comfort or alone time.  I never got to tell any of her stories or blog about her since I took those few months off, but I know that those months were spent with her.  And in light of what has happened, that time meant more to me and was more important than her crazy stories.

I never want to forget her or what she was like or what she meant to us and I don't think I ever could.  For me, she was one of those rare souls that you don't often come across in life.  I made a deep connection with her and her with me.  I'm so grateful that I was with her until she passed and I can only hope, while she was taking her last gasps of air, that she heard me when I spoke to her and told her how much I loved her and that we would alway love her.  There's just a hole now.  She's left a huge hole.  I try to take my mind off of her, but I can't.  Everywhere I look, there she is.  Her bed, her toys all around the house, her lavender baby soap, her stash of  stolen goodies hidden under the couch and beds.  All the places she would be - her bed in the morning; playing swords with Mia on the floor; at my feet under the desk; under the kitchen table while I cooked; outside the bathroom door when I showered; under the couch - I keep looking over and expecting her to be there.  And when she's not, it breaks my heart all over again.  I don't want to forget.  She deserves to be mourned and remembered.  She deserved a full life.  But that is life.  It's not always fair.  And when beautiful, innocent lives are lost, it stings even more.